Duck Duck Cougar?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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