You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
