Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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