you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
How naked do you want me to be?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
