he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
