You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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