I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
