At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
