Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
