Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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