Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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