Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
