On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
