She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
