So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
