you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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