you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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