theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
God, I missed his penis.
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