Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
