I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
