I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
