My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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