I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
