i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
