I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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