My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
