Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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