I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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