for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
