Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
