sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
