I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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