already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
