That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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