halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
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