youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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