can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
