i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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