okay pat passed out under dana's car
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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