Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
