Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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