Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
