apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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