Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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