If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
