Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
