i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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