I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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