Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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