I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
