I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
