when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
