Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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