I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
